Demon #1: Loneliness

It seeps in from somewhere unknown and fills in every part of your veins. You can feel the pain and the sorrows in your heart, weighing it down as if it is feet that are chained with heavy metal spheres. You are shivering from how cold it is to not have anyone holding your hands and telling you things will be fine. You can see the world going on, and people living their lives but for some reason, you cannot do so. Your bones feel like they are fragile and will break if you decide to leave and see beyond your bedroom. Loneliness has no mercy and can keep leaving and coming back as if its a friend. It makes you addicted to it, while you know it is a drug that can slowly kill you. It makes you back away from people because love is the cure and it does not want to be cured. It wants you to crave it and be all over you, through your bones and skin, through your blood and in your mind.

It is a skilled demon, but it usually loses in its battles. Fight it.

It’s Time To Close the Door on My Family and Friends that Can’t Even Say Hello.

I am not sorry, anymore.

I am not sorry for being full of so much love that you couldn’t bear it and decided to leave me. I am not sorry if that is what made you leave.

I am not sorry for feeling emotions so intensely that one tiny hit, could break me into a million pieces. I am not sorry if you were troubled by that.

I am not sorry for believing in everyone that walked into my life and to thinking they’ll never hurt me. I am not sorry for wanting to see the good in everyone.

I am not sorry for wanting to be someone’s first priority for once. I am not sorry that I get upset when my love isn’t returned.

I am not sorry for constantly breaking apart and falling into a pit of darkness. I am not sorry for relapsing and making it allegedly harder for you.

I am not sorry for hoping that things will get better. I am not sorry that you cannot see why I build walls up when things don’t.

I am not sorry for being such an ugly and horrible human being. I am not sorry for being what I am.

I am not sorry for closing the door when you left. I am not sorry that you didn’t realise it was still unlocked.

I am sorry, that you will never understand me.

But I do not need your forgiveness to go on.


Once You’ve Recovered, I Hope You Get Home Safely

The lone girl walked on and on
She was lost but she gave up on asking for directions.
Everyone gave her the wrongs, the directions they made themselves.
Once she asked a scholar where her home was,

Your home is full of systematic education
and a bachelor’s degree

She followed his directions but when she got there,
She realised she didn’t belong there.
What is a home if you don’t belong in it?
Once she asked a lover where her home was,

Your home is in someone’s arms
You are not home until someone has saved you.

She decided maybe they were right,
So she followed that path.
It ended with her heart broken,
Someone else’s home cannot be your own home, she realised.
Once she asked an astronaut for directions,

Your home is out of this world.
Reach for beyond the sky!

She decided to listen to her, and flew away.
But she ended up feeling lonelier.
Even if a place is full of bright stars
It can’t be a home if it makes you feel lonely, she thought.
So she stopped asking anyone for directions.
But then the tree stopped her,

Your home is lost right now,
Keep walking.

She felt relieved and hugged the tree.
As she walked on and on,
Some days were good and some days were hard,
After a few years she found her home.

It was a small house, nothing special.
It was beside the tree that she talked to.
There was a creek behind it.
She smiled and whispered
Home sweet home

Be Sad, Be Tired, But Darling Don’t Give up

There’s a voice inside your head begging for you to get on with life as you lay on your bed motionless. This voice is echoing through your mind but it comes from a steel cage that seems to have no key to unlock it. So as it screams for you to not give in to your demons, you can barely do anything about it. You want to stop riding the train in an endless dark tunnel that seems to have no light at the end of it but somehow it is excruciating to sit upright and leave your bed; your safe place. You feel numb, you don’t care anymore, you’re lonely yet you want to be in isolation. Your hands seem to be tied back with a strong rope and there’s a dark feeling in the pit of your stomach. You’re on the verge to let go of the grip you have on the edge of the cliff but you remember you still have the voice inside your mind. That voice inside of that steel cage, it is yelling for you to get on with life. It is yelling for you to have hope. It is being heard in the midst of a sea of cackling monsters, so you breathe and decide to wait for the voice to escape its cage.

One day, it will be loud and it will win. You will be saved. 
You will be saved by your own will. 
Your hope

You’ll be Fine 

One day you’ll be broken into pieces and stepped on but that’s okay. I’ll tell you why.

You are strong enough to go through hell with a smile. You’ll smile and wave at your demons as if they’re your friends. It’s easier to leave without making the other person know they’re your enemy; as if you believe that they love you. You are full of love not hate. Remember that. You are more resilient when you know in your heart the universe is worth living for; it’s worth falling in love with. You have a sword and a shield. They will always be there and you will use them no matter how rusty or dented they get. They’re always there to protect you and fight with you. So, you’ll be okay. They say no one likes broken things, but sweetheart they didn’t say it’d be this hard either. 

Chapter 1381 

What do you do when a chapter ends? 

You close it and start a new one. You only go back to read that chapter if you need to know why certain things are happening in the new chapter but that’s it. You make new habits and leave the old ones in the past. The princess watched her lover leave her forever because they did not love her but that’s where the chapter ends. In the new one she finds herself and realises she’s okay on her own. She did not to stay on the last chapter or keep opening it as if it was a wound because if you try to peel off a dried up cut, it bleeds again. So darling, it’s a new chapter. Every relapse, every attempt at recovery, everyday you start a new fucking day, it’s a new chapter and we must realise we are a story and we are only promised death in this life so we must live on and on. The reader keeps reading so you must start a new chapter and leave your past only to remembered during late nights when you need a reason to keep going. 

You let the chapter finish and you must read on to find out what happens in the new one. 

The New Kingdom

Once upon a time, there was a queen with scars on her wrists and demons in her head. She ran a kingdom. This kingdom used to be filled warmth and laughter. There would be children playing and music always being played. Love was the only thing the kingdom ever really knew about. It was the most important virtue. The Queen was always throwing balls and invited the whole world to dance. She was always happy, you see. She was full of love and wanted everyone she loved to be happy. But one day a dragon attacked the kingdom, very suddenly. He injured everyone and all the Queen heard were screams of her people. She was held captive by the evil dragon, who tortured her and made her realize that she was a horrible Queen, otherwise, the dragon wouldn’t have won and hurt her kingdom. Slowly her love drained out but she fought the dragon as much as she could. As she tried to untie the ropes on her wrist she felt the cuts and then she was attacked again by demons who ended up attaching to her. The dragon laughed and told her, “run your kingdom, now you petty child” and with all her effort she tried going back to running her kingdom. The dragon made a home behind her castle and as she tried to recover her kingdom, she broke down even more with the demons in her head and the pain all over her body. The kingdom only had one season and it was winter, the kingdom forgot what love was and all they felt was a cold chill. The dragon laughed each night and the Queen cried behind her bedroom doors. Then one night, she woke up to a rusty sword and shield. There was a note that was on it and it said,
“You may not be able to go back to how things were before, but you can make a new kingdom. You are a fucking fighter. It is time for the new Queen to take charge.”
The Queen put her armor on and walked to the back of her castle where the dragon was. She looked at him eye-to-eye and grit her teeth. For the first time, the dragon looked scared.

-To be continued-