I bite my tongue until it bleeds when I think of staying here for another day, week, month, year, or decades. My heart hurts from just thinking of surviving any longer. I want to cut open my veins until they bleed out. These are the nights I feel like I can’t be here any longer with the past I hold, the loneliness I feel, the burden I give everyone and the mere thought of fucking everything up again. When will this feeling fucking go away? Do I have to beg until my voice is gone? Do I have to cry until my tears are dried up? Do I have to feel my heart break until I have no more love left for anyone? Am I even worth the space I take up? I’m not, am I?
I am awake. The world is moving all around me. Yet, I am still. I do not feel real, I feel like as time goes on I am fading. The will to move on and continue with life is all too painful. So I lay flat on my back, hoping the chaos in my mind stops for a while that it gives me enough time to get up and try to catch up with life. The clock is ticking and my phone is buzzing with notifications. I use social media to trick my audience into thinking I’m living my life. Little do they know, I’m hiding underneath my bed sheets, although the monster I am trying to hide from is not in the closet. It is in my mind. I am awake but I’m fading and I’m scared that soon enough I’ll be too behind to catch up to life.
As I stood in front of you with my ripped wings
You told me to try harder
So I hid my ripped wings and told you that I was alright
If only you knew that my love for you had died that night.
All I wanted was for you to tell me that,
You’d be there while I healed.
That’s all I wanted to hear
I just started a new Instagram @almeda.azam.
It’d be lovely if you could follow!
The princess walked out of her kingdom to explore. But one fateful day, she was struck in the heart by someone she thought she could trust. She quickly returned to her castle and let her wounds heal. But the pain did not reside. She built her walls very high around her kingdom so nothing could leave and nothing could come in. She thought she was safe inside the walls of her kingdom and the security of her guards. But the princess didn’t feel any better for she was a captive to her own pain. She was a prisoner in her own kingdom.
It seeps in from somewhere unknown and fills in every part of your veins. You can feel the pain and the sorrows in your heart, weighing it down as if it is feet that are chained with heavy metal spheres. You are shivering from how cold it is to not have anyone holding your hands and telling you things will be fine. You can see the world going on, and people living their lives but for some reason, you cannot do so. Your bones feel like they are fragile and will break if you decide to leave and see beyond your bedroom. Loneliness has no mercy and can keep leaving and coming back as if its a friend. It makes you addicted to it, while you know it is a drug that can slowly kill you. It makes you back away from people because love is the cure and it does not want to be cured. It wants you to crave it and be all over you, through your bones and skin, through your blood and in your mind.
It is a skilled demon, but it usually loses in its battles. Fight it.
I am not sorry, anymore.
I am not sorry for being full of so much love that you couldn’t bear it and decided to leave me. I am not sorry if that is what made you leave.
I am not sorry for feeling emotions so intensely that one tiny hit, could break me into a million pieces. I am not sorry if you were troubled by that.
I am not sorry for believing in everyone that walked into my life and to thinking they’ll never hurt me. I am not sorry for wanting to see the good in everyone.
I am not sorry for wanting to be someone’s first priority for once. I am not sorry that I get upset when my love isn’t returned.
I am not sorry for constantly breaking apart and falling into a pit of darkness. I am not sorry for relapsing and making it allegedly harder for you.
I am not sorry for hoping that things will get better. I am not sorry that you cannot see why I build walls up when things don’t.
I am not sorry for being such an ugly and horrible human being. I am not sorry for being what I am.
I am not sorry for closing the door when you left. I am not sorry that you didn’t realise it was still unlocked.
I am sorry, that you will never understand me.
But I do not need your forgiveness to go on.
The lone girl walked on and on
She was lost but she gave up on asking for directions.
Everyone gave her the wrongs, the directions they made themselves.
Once she asked a scholar where her home was,
Your home is full of systematic education
and a bachelor’s degree
She followed his directions but when she got there,
She realised she didn’t belong there.
What is a home if you don’t belong in it?
Once she asked a lover where her home was,
Your home is in someone’s arms
You are not home until someone has saved you.
She decided maybe they were right,
So she followed that path.
It ended with her heart broken,
Someone else’s home cannot be your own home, she realised.
Once she asked an astronaut for directions,
Your home is out of this world.
Reach for beyond the sky!
She decided to listen to her, and flew away.
But she ended up feeling lonelier.
Even if a place is full of bright stars
It can’t be a home if it makes you feel lonely, she thought.
So she stopped asking anyone for directions.
But then the tree stopped her,
Your home is lost right now,
She felt relieved and hugged the tree.
As she walked on and on,
Some days were good and some days were hard,
After a few years she found her home.
It was a small house, nothing special.
It was beside the tree that she talked to.
There was a creek behind it.
She smiled and whispered
Home sweet home