You Can’t Hate Me More Than I Hate Myself

About a year ago I was packing my bag for school. I was excited for the year ahead of me. I had a new way to control my problems. I learned how to purge and feel good. I was happy with my friends. I had left the scissor blade that I created red lines with behind me.

Today, I’m sitting in a mental illness clinic in a gown wondering how everything ended up here. What the hell did I do? How did I do it? I learned I’m not the person I show everyone I am. As I take off layers of self defence, I realise how pathetic and alone I am in front my psychiatrist. I wanted to be happy but today I’m weak. As I scratch my scars that I made a few days before I realised how much I didn’t tell anyone. How much no one understands. And god I know its my fault. I do, I really do. I’m not a hero anymore. I’m a crippled villain. But her only specialty was self-destruction.

Growing Up: Time Is A Cure

A second is significant to an athlete whose being timed to run across the track. Time is an illusion, yet its a cure. A broken heart can only be mended with time as its medicine. Soon you’ll stop crying over the person and not realise its been three months since you have. Scars that you’ve given yourself or were made by others, can only be healed and become less red then the day before due to time. The world is rotating on an axis for an eternity and we must realise that life goes on and the only way to fight storms and battle wars is to accept that things take time.

An Apology

I’m sorry if my blog posts have been uncomfortable lately for my readers. But truthfully, this is my website and everything I say on it are my thoughts and it also just to tell people that are going through the same things I am, that they’re not alone. The title “That Smile Makes My Day” wasn’t put out there to show that the blog is a happy-go-lucky blog. It was used as my URL because once you’ve managed to realise you’re only human, you smile a little bit. And that’s what makes my day. Nothing is more satisfying then getting comments on my posts saying that they feel a little bit better that they are not alone. So I’m sorry that some posts may be too depressing but I’m only human and I can only write what I feel. And if that insults anyone then I’m sorry love, ’cause I’m trying like everyone else is.

Growing Up: Going Back to Old Habits

I have red lines across my thighs and I realized I forgot how good it felt when I used to let the blade touch my skin until now. I don’t know how it happened. It started two days ago. All I want to be, is good enough you see. But I can’t be. Its really weird. I’m always constantly thinking how horrible of a person I am. I don’t deserve to take up the space I want to take up. I’m cornered in a dark room. I’m not trying to be poetic, really. I’m being realistic with my feelings. I think I’m slowly giving up. To tell you the truth, I tried really hard. But the blade was there and the hatred was everywhere. I was crying because I had vomit all over my toilet. And I did it. The world went on. And the stars still came out that night. No one gives a fuck anymore. I think its time to give up.

Happy Women’s Equality Day

This is a late post and it was due to the fact it was also my grandfather’s death anniversary and I was at the mosque and then we went to a party to get our minds off of this sad event. It was Women’s Equality Day on Wednesday, August 26th, 2015. And this is a shoutout to all the women in Saudia Arabia who are now allowed to vote. You finally have a voice. This is a shoutout to all the women who still can’t vote because having a vagina means that you have no power according to many governmental parties. This is a shout out to all the women who are housewives and are oppressed from being independent. This is a shout out to all the women that are housewives and are happy with that title. This is a shout out to all the women who fight to go to school and get an education. A shout out to all the women who can’t afford education because their brothers are more important. A shout out to all the women who are great mothers to their children. A shoutout to women who can’t get an abortion because people think its not the person that has to bear a child for 9 months that should make the choice of having the baby or not. A shoutout to girls who can’t wear clothes that make them feel confident because their fathers and relatives will judge them. A shoutout to daughters who are told they should have been sons and are considered burdens. A shoutout to every women that has had to deal with problems due to their sex. We’ve made it this far. We can make it further.

(P.S, this is not to insult any other gender whatsoever. )

Growing Up: Wanting to Die

There have been many times that I planned to swallow up my mothers sleeping pills and sleep forever. I didn’t think that I was worth anything and I didn’t deserve to live. I thought I was a waste of space and frankly I still do. The doctor asks me if I think of dying and I lie and say not anymore. But I do. Its at the back of my mind all the time. What stopped me the countless attempts before was the fear if I was going to be saved and have a second chance. I didn’t want one. I wanted to just leave. I felt like a drama queen whenever I talked about it. Because no one takes a teenager girl seriously. Until they self destruct. But what I realized is that at the end of the day I’m alone and I have to fend for myself. And maybe a part of me wants to see if I can. I don’t want to die and have people pity me when they didn’t even know who I was and why I did what I did. Life goes and the world keeps rotating but you are not insignificant.

Did You Think I Didn’t Change?

We are the fuck ups. We mess shit up and tear the world apart. We cry at night and let our demons take over everything. We rely on the wrong people at the wrong time. We make our mothers cry because we are a burden. We make our friends avoid us because they don’t want to deal with our shit. We don’t eat enough or we eat too much. We get hooked on the feelings of loneliness and push away everything and everyone. We have regrets and sorrow but no one cares enough to know why we have them. We are the screw up. Don’t get too close to us because sweetheart you’ll just leave us anyways.