Don’t Tell Me You Were Ever There For Me

To those who don’t ever consider how the other person is feeling, you need to cleanse your soul and understand the world doesn’t revolve around you. 

To those who are never there for others but expect to be lifted up when they’re at their lowest point, please do us a favour and fuck off. Kindly. 

To those who just judge and judge and never empathize, you need to go on a journey and realize you’re as insignificant as the rest of us. 

To those who see themselves higher than everyone else, you aren’t. You are just a human being my love. 

To those who can’t solve a problem but can only create them, stop it. People can’t deal with that right now. 

To those who try to take away our swords and shields, honestly we will stab you and protect ourselves until you give up. 

To those that weren’t there during my darkest times, sorry but it’s time to let you go. I’ll miss you. 

You’re Royalty 

“Momma, I’m the prettiest princess in the world” she yelled as she ran around the room with a crown on her head. Her mom laughed and nodded. The little girl smiled and thought her forever would be like this. 

As she walked into school, a boy pulled her hair. She looked at him, “you’re hair is ugly” he told her. She frowned and cried to the teacher later on. The teacher sighed and told her to ignore it. So she tried. 

Puberty was hitting everyone and while she was in the change room changing, a group of girls came up to her to tell her that her body needed to be saved. She knew she wasn’t skinny but now she felt sick to her stomach. She told her mom but her mom shrugged and told her maybe she could lose a few pounds. 

She started reading magazines and obsessed over the “hot and sexy” models. She needed to be pretty and pretty meant skinny and flawless. So she tried everything she could. She needed everyone to approve her. To think she was beautiful.

She woke up with puffy eyes and a headache. She spent her whole night after prom crying. She cried because she wasn’t beautiful like all the other girls that night. She cried because she would never be good enough. She found a photo later that day. A photo of her in a princess dress smiling. She remembered that moment she thought she was the most beautiful princess in the world. “What changed?” She asked. She shook her head. She wasn’t the princess anymore. 

She was 25 years old and had put her body through so much pain and suffering. She was out of her treatment centre for about 6 months. She looked at the mirror and in it she realized for the past years she was always beautiful. She was always the princess. 

It shouldn’t have taken up so much of her life to realise that. You my love, are extrordinary and the brightest thing in the room. Don’t be afraid and keep your tiara on. You are not letting life break you down. 

How to be an Asshole 101

  1. Say “no”: this will really irritate them. If you say no when you don’t feel comfortable, not only will they be annoyed but they’ll never ask again. 
  2. Don’t apologize when you don’t need to: If they can’t take the fact that you’re being assertive and you have nothing to be sorry for, it’s their fault not yours. 
  3. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is a weapon. The more intellectual you are the more you can fight head on. The more they’ll have to respect you. The more they’ll be annoyed of you. 
  4. Give your opinion: if you don’t agree with them, be mature and argue with them. Politely. It’s more irritating when you’re not being a maniac. 
  5. Know that you are worth it: They want you to be kicked down and wounded but in order to show them they’re shit, stand up and smile. Total asshole points there. 
  6. Be yourself: of all of them this will make you the largest asshole. Accepting the person you are with no regrets? My goodness! That is an atrocity. 

This is the complete list of things to do so you can be marked off as an asshole or better yet a bitch. This will take out all the crap in your life because those who can’t handle you are the ones that shouldn’t have been in your life in the first place. 

I’m not Just Sad 

The “Fucked Up” Emotion: this feeling consists of everything but happiness and relaxation. You’re confused and tired. You’re in need of something but unsure of what it is. You’re feeling a bunch of different colours. Talk to someone. Talk to your best friend. It doesn’t have to be about the feeling but about anything. You need to clear your mind and figure things out.

The “Hopelessly Hoping” Emotion: This feeling is consisted of tiredness and hopelessness. Yet, you’re holding even though you don’t understand why you are. Breathe in and out, cry, and let it all out. You are needed, you are lovely and the reason why you’re hoping is because you’re worth it. 

The “Numb” Emotion
: You just can’t fight anymore, you don’t have the energy too. You want to feel something but all you feel is a pit of darkness growing from the inside of your stomach. You feel alone and you can’t muster the words to describe it. Some of us self-harm and some of us sit there blocking it out. Close your eyes and listen to some sad music. Write letters to people you love. Ride it out, you got this. 

The “Undeserving” Emotion:
Somehow, even though you’re in a room full of people and you should be happy, you’re not. You are in a mood where you feel like you don’t deserve any of the good things in life. Where every fibre in your body feel worthless. Go to a place with some privacy and count to ten. Tell yourself its a feeling its not a fact. Remember you are not your accomplishments, you are far more than that. 

The “I Need to Die” Emotion
: You are suicidal. You want to die and end not only your problems but the problems everyone else has with your existence. You need to talk to someone. You need to realize you aren’t alone and there are people that know exactly how you feel. Some great people are BrittaBottle and Bino32 (brittabottle.wordpress.com, theidiosyncracyoflifeinwords.wordpress.com) or try any suicide helplines. It helps it really does.

These are just a few, but there’s so many more forms of sadness. No there’s nothing wrong with you, this is just proof that you are nothing but human. 

Dear Mother (Ammu),

“I’m making something new today. You’ll like and it’ll help heal your throat from all that eroding” you told me with a victorious smile. You knew that my bulimic habits scratched up the interior of my throat. I smiled back but I caught a glimpse of tears brimming. I’m sorry I’m so sorry. You make food that I loved to eat before I started giving into the eating disorder every day and you’re so patient in waiting, hoping that one day I’ll eat it. And god I do really want to eat it. Not forced but eating it with happiness and comfort. But I can’t and you’re so patient and tolerant. I’m sorry that you notice me when I’m into my suicidal thinking and you hug me and don’t let me go sleep by myself that night. I’m so sorry. I know you’re trying so hard to understand me and being patient through all this. I’m sorry. Please just hold on to me and don’t let go, mom. I love you for everything. 

Love,

Your not so great daughter

Dear Child, 

The world is a scary place. One minute you’re flying high and reaching for your dreams. The next minute you’re on the ground barely breathing. The world goes on around you, not waiting whether you’d get up or not. Sometimes you will get up and try to keep with the speed and sometimes you’ll sit there and stare at the past wondering where things went wrong. The past, my love will always stay the past. It is your roots, it is where you came from. But it does not define who are right now, right here. The present is a whirlwind. You have to live in it and seize every moment. Don’t be afraid to fail, darling. You’re supposed to fuck up and otherwise your life would have no meaning. The future is a lively place. It’s full of wonders and fears but it does not matte how it will turn out. Anything can happen and you have to accept it. No matter who, even if it’s me, don’t let anyone tell you who you are and give you expectations. Fuck expectations. You are your own universe, babe. You follow your own agenda. Your own fate. The world is scary, but you are the master of it. You will sin, fuck up, and also go good things. But I shall warn you, you will not always be happy and you will have a lot of regrets. But sweetheart, it’s alright. That’s a part of being human. I love you with all my heart and I want you to know that life goes on it always does so things may not turn out okay but you will get strong enough to face it. It runs in the blood *winks*. I love you. 

Love, 

Your momma 

“Do you really want to eat that?” 

“Why are you letting everyone win they don’t understand you like I do”

“You’re disgusting, they’re all lying to you”

“You haven’t done enough to be pretty; to be enough” 

“You’ll never be enough” 

“You’re alone, no one likes you.” 

“Sick? You’re not fucking sick. You haven’t been better” 

“I’m never leaving you. I’m the best thing that has ever happened to you” 

The voices get louder and louder as she cried. She needed peace she needed solace. She couldn’t do it anymore.  So she swallowed the whole bottle of pills and hoped she would never have to hear the voices again.