I’m not waiting for my knight in shining armour to save me from my prison. No, I’m here alone and I don’t need someone to hold me or tell me that they’ll fix me. I don’t need that. I’m cold and wounded but I don’t need warmth or some boy to tell me lies of how he loves and he’ll never leave me. Because they’ll never understand me. They’ll want to change me. I’m doing them a favour by hiding myself because no one wants a broken vase. I don’t need some prince charming or some hero. I need my demons to let me go.
They praise me for my weight loss and tell me to stay the way I am. They tell me I was ugly before but now I’m better and will look better if I’m on the same path. They told me to not go back. I smiled and agreed but inside I wanted to break down. I wanted to tell them I’m not good enough and won’t ever be. I wanted to tell them that once they left I was going to let my best friend Skinny convince me I needed to throw up. That the dinner of two spoons of rice and chicken and the dessert of a piece of cake was going to purged out and flushed away. I’m desperate to be paper thin. I’m desperate to be good enough. They tell me its a fucking disease but I can’t live without it.
The world I created when I was younger was where I was a princess and a warrior with an imaginary dragon as my pet and my world was full of glitter and bright colours. I wasn’t afraid of adventure and the people I loved were always proud of me. I wore pretty dresses yet a sword around my waist. My world was a world where I was invincible. But I have given my crown away to a black slug called Self-Destruction and became a slave to her highness. My sword has become brittle and I am not a warrior but a prisoner. My world is a jail cell with a flickering light and a security guard that reminds me that I am not invincible; I’m worthless. Anyone would say the world I started off with is the better option but for me the world I live in now has become my home and maybe its what I deserve.
She held her mother’s hand and wouldn’t let go.
“But mom they’re mean” she cried as they stood in front of the kindergarten room. Her mother laughed and told her to not worry. They went through the routine everyday but the same thing happened; they were mean to her and she cried every day.
She looked at her mother before she got out of the car.
“Mom, do I have to?” She asked her mother. They stood in front of her middle school waiting for the bell to ring. Her mother impatiently looked at her watch and hurriedly told her to leave. The same thing happened everyday; She felt worthless by the end of the day.
She left the house without saying anything. Her mother looked at her leave through the window of her bedroom. She complained about how teenagers were so distant and unappreciative. She didn’t know her daughter took drugs so she could forget about all the pain she went through or how she cut so she could feel. The same thing happened everyday; she kept fighting her demons alone because she knew no one else could help her.
There is nothing wrong with what I’m feeling. I am not being too sensitive. I am not being dramatic. I am not over exaggerating. I am not up for taking your criticism. I have every right to be hurt. I’m truly exhausted from people telling me that I should feel a certain way. I know I’m different. I know I’m not beautiful. I am raw and merciless. I am ugly when the hurricane hits and a mess when its sunny out. But you don’t get to tell me I’m not enough. You don’t get to tell me I don’t have the right to feel different. I’m a human being and I’m not going to apologise for being one.
My feelings are as valid as yours, bitch.
Calories are my worst nightmare. So is my weight and my appearance. I’m not good enough and no one will understand that. I am not beautiful I’m ugly and disgustingly worthless. I cannot see what other people tell me they see and I know they’re lying to me. I know it. I’m not good enough yet. Calories are every fucking where. My weight dictates everything. I’m not good enough. I don’t have enough control. They say I’m diagnosed with an eating disorder but its this that’s saving me from being worthless.
There are certain people that will come into your life. They may not be romantically involved with you but will make you feel like you have found your soul mate. No, it doesn’t have to be your boyfriend or girlfriend or anyone that’s in love with you. These people can take the form as your friend or someone you love without the physical attraction. You look at them and you have this desperation to be with them all your life. You’re certainly whole but with them you feel more whole. With them you feel like maybe you can fight your demons and conquer your world. You want to be with them forever. I hope you find that person or people that will love you endlessly and you will love them with unlimited passion back.