We’ve learnt all our life that people come and go. We make it our mantra. Before we trust someone we make sure we know this person can leave us astray at one point. But yet it fucking hurts when you start seeing them leave you. When its time for them to go and they don’t say goodbye. So you have to say a silent farewell and hope you’ll be okay. People come and go, and life goes on. That’s what we learn, yet we can never get used to it. We can get used to pain and sorrow. But people leaving us? No its not in our human nature to be used to that. So when someone leaves you. Maybe a friend, a romantic partner, a family member or your dog, remember that why they were important to you. Cry about it. Talk about it. And remember to say your silent farewell.
After two months of treating me like shit and not talking to me because I had an eating disorder, my dad decides to talk to me. And a part of me feels happy. That he called me by the nickname I was given since I was a child and smiled. It was like nothing happened. And another part of me feels lost and confused. Am I supposed to be okay with this? Like always I’m expected to forgive and go back to normal. Everyone expects that from me but they never realise how much it hurts. And my dad was the one that showed me no one ever will give a fuck about me unless it benefits them. I’m something that can be easily forgotten. My issues can be hidden. I’m tired of all this. I’m so fucking tired.
I’m getting bad again.
When I was a child I told everyone I was “princess lala”. Lala was the name of my favourite character. I told myself and everyone around me that I was a princess. I was royal. I was important. I talked a lot because I hated being quiet and not being able to speak my mind. I thought the world was in the palm of my hand. I was the ruler of my mind and God did I believe that I was worth all the love I got. Until thing started changing. I went from thinking I was a princess to feeling worthless all the time. I stopped thinking I was important and started letting my demons take over. But what was the point of all that? Why did I do it? I was much happier believing that I was a princess waiting to rule the world. But I couldn’t even rule my own mind. But I’d trade anything to be able to say I’m a princess again.
We are constantly trapped in our minds and desperately look for a way out. So we do things that are counted as self-destruction. We cut ourselves because the pain feels deserved. We starve ourselves because we think don’t deserve food. We throw up because we feel the need to be punished. We do many other things hidden from everyone that we love. Just so we could feel a little normal. But what is normal? Is it walking home not thinking of a way to kill yourself? Or is it waking up and telling yourself it might be a good day? Or is it sitting with your dad and telling him about your day?
Everyday we are fighting to feel normal. But we don’t even know what that is.
So we just fight and sometimes we forget as we are battling our wars what we are fighting for.
You’re fighting for you. And only you.
Sometimes you just stand alone and people shrug when you tell them you need them. You see the tired sighs and the pitiful smile. You see how they look away, bored. You see the impatient tone in their voice. You want to cry but you can’t because they’ll just tell you that you’re really strong and you should be able to get through this. But they won’t volunteer to hold your hand. Those are the people you need to push away. Those are the people that don’t deserve you. They don’t deserve to see that light in your eyes when you’re talking about a passion. They shouldn’t get to see your open mouth smile while you think of something quirky in your mind. They aren’t allowed to hold your hand and pull you down while you’re rising to the top. No.
They are not your friends.
You deserve better.
You have people that love you for everything even if you think its not much.
There will be people that are like water, whom transforms themselves to adapt to any situation. They are calm yet dangerous if angered too much (boiled water and really cold water can damage your body). They are easygoing and great to talk to. But they hold secrets. Like how you don’t know everything about the sea. These people are essential in your life yet they are taken for granted.
There are people that are like fire. They are passionate about the things they like and the people they love. But they might hurt you and maybe burn you without knowing how much pain it causes. They are quick on their feet and can get angry easily. But with the right strategies you can calm them down. They leave memories that can haunt you once their gone. These people will be the ones that change you; either in a good way or a bad way.
There are people like Earth. They are practical and you can depend on them any time in your life. They know life goes on no matter what and due to that they go with the flow. Many people hurt them and they take it. They take it knowing one day karma will do the right thing. They can lose their passion easily but are determined to finish every task. These people are the ones that will make you realise there’s more to life and its okay to be selfish.
Lastly, there are people like air. They are free and lucid. They are fun to be around and provide guidance. They analyze and observe every situation and try to think of ways to feel the most comfortable. They love communication. Talking is their best trait. You might think they’re opening up to you but they are not. They are simply showing you an illusion. These people are the people that will make your life whole and united.
As time goes on, we realise that we’re not heroes as we are just human beings. You don’t have to be a saviour. As long as you wake up everyday trying not to hurt anyone, you are amazing. You don’t have to listen to your friend complaining constantly if they don’t ever ask or care about your life. You don’t even have to be their friend. Shocking isn’t it? I know, this is new to me as well. You are supposed to care about yourself and be happy for people. You aren’t supposed to change yourself for them though. You are supposed to hold someone’s hand when they hold them out. But don’t have to chase after them when they let go and leave you alone. Darling, we are all fighting demons and no one should expect you to fight theirs.