I’m so sick of the books where the main character saves other people or waits to be saved. What about saving ourselves? How the hell do we do that? How do we stop being so tired of everything and realise our worth. I’m tired of people around me not thinking their good enough. I’m tired of being told I’ll be saved. We are warriors. We are soldiers fighting different wars. We need to learn how to fend for ourselves because as harsh as it is, at the end of the day you are the one in your own battlefield. Start loving yourself. Start realising you’re worth it. And stop wasting time by waiting for someone to be your knight in shining armour. Be your own knight, love. So stop looking down at the ground and hold your head up high. Because you’re your own saviour tonight.
Fuck you for thinking I was lesser than you. Fuck you for making me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Fuck you for making me cry after days of keeping it in. And yes I can be bitter and hate you for the rest of my life. But I won’t. There are things in my life that are more important. This is a post dedicated to my friends. To my friend that ran after me while I walked off to ask me if I was okay thank you because I needed you to pull me out of the trance. To my friend that noticed my silences and respected it by distracting me thank you because I needed you at that very moment. To the friend that held me while I cried to her about everything without meaning to and cried with me too I love you so much and I’m glad you came over unexpectedly. I’m not alone and I don’t know how much I have to tell myself that to believe it. But I am changing and my world is falling apart. But I have people that will help me pick up the broken pieces and build a new world. I know that now. So fuck you for thinking I wasn’t good enough. Because I fucking am.
Where did it go wrong?
Things were going smoothly. You were laughing. He was smiling. She looked at her with awe. But then things just broke. But how? How did it all just turn up so messed up? One moment you were happy and filled with glee and now you are bitter. Before you listened to love songs and hummed to it. But today you listened to a song about a broken heart and thought of that person, didn’t you? Unrequited love. Cheating. Losing feelings. Having feelings for someone else. Fights. Regrets. Was it all predictable? Were you the only one that didn’t see it coming? Love has the same levels of dopamine as does schizophrenia. Its a scary feeling. It can make us feel butterflies and feel comfort. But then a day later, we feel hurt and fragility. It can make us confident or really insecure. I miss him. But life goes on. You’ll get over that person. You eventually do unless it was meant to be. But you have to trust the universe to make it work. You’ll move on. One day you’ll stop subconsciously looking for them in crowded places. One day you’ll get their text message and message them later because you were doing at that moment was more important. You’ll stop comparing every potential person of interest to them. Love songs won’t seem so painful. And you’ll buy yourself flowers because you don’t need anyone to buy it for you. Things did go wrong. Maybe you were too late or maybe they weren’t worth it. But life’s too short to be bitter. Free yourself and realise you can do so many things since you’re not in a relationship (like not shaving off your pubic hair). Its time to treat yourself and learn that you’re strong enough to move on. It’ll take some time. But its possible.
And maybe I’m just insane. Maybe what I want in life is unreachable. And maybe I am chasing dreams that don’t exist. Maybe its because I’m tired of letting people walk all over me, act like they own me, and insult me. Maybe its because I’m tired of being scared and will let myself fearfully face the unknown. I am not strong. I’m not weak either. I’m just human. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe I’m enough.
Its 5 am and I’m wide awake. All I can think about is everything but nothing at all. I can feel my fears digging up to the surface, not staying in the back of my mind, the place I put them in. My imagination is wild. I don’t know where to go. Or what to do. Life is uncertain. A year ago I wasn’t like this except for the fact that I said the same thing. We meet people and we change. We lose people and we get stronger. We stop waiting for someone to save us and look for ways to save ourselves. Yes it’s 5 am and I haven’t slept much but that’s okay. I’m not okay. I’m not fine. I’m a mess. I’m scared. But maybe I’ll be alright. Maybe things will fall into place.
Clear your mind. Stop thinking about the what ifs, should haves, would haves, could haves and the can’ts. Stop thinking about the memories that once made you happy. Stop thinking about the increasing number of breakdowns you’re having. Stop believing that the more you avoid your problems the happier you’ll be, because sweetheart its not true. Stop thinking about the friends you lost or the people that broke your heart. Stop preventing yourself from breathing. Look at the moon. The stars. The trees. They’re all there. They’re all seemingly unfazed by the world around them. But the moon is always in debt with the sun due to it using the sunlight to guide lost wanderers at night. The trees are always growing and giving the humans oxygen. The stars are dying out but fill the night sky with luminosity during their time. Giving hopeless teenagers some light. Just like them you have a purpose but also like them its not obvious. You need to realize you make a difference in people’s lives. That you are meaningful. But until you realize your worth, you won’t be happy. Life is too short to be sad all the time. You deserve a good experience. You’re lovely. Clear your mind. Don’t wait for the person to say ‘I love you’ or your mom to hug you. Believe in yourself and realize that you breathing and fighting to live is enough. Over thinking kills happiness cells. And that’s not good. So smile and hope that you’ll be alright.
I am not bitter. I am not sweet. I am not going to be silent when I need to scream. I am not going to surrender when I have to fight. I am not going to cry in front of someone that isn’t worth it. I am not going to base my happiness on that amount of pride I can attain. I am not soulless. I am not caught up in the past. I am not worried about the future anymore. I am not sorry. I am not forgetful. I am hurt but not hopeless. I am not weak nor am I strong. I am not able to fix anyone but I am always there for them. I am a human being. I am worth it.