We’re Trying 

I came in huffing and stood at the doorway for a second. I looked up and I saw her sitting on one of the chairs, looking at her phone. She knew I was distressed but she waited for my permission for her to acknowledge it. I offered her my smile as permission and she nodded. 

“Cold out, huh?” 

I nodded and chose a seat on one of the couches. It was almost time for group therapy. 

“I went to school for the first time in weeks so the cold really doesn’t mean much to me today” I told her. A second of regret passed through me because I told her something I wanted to keep in. But it wasn’t needed because she had a look of empathy. That she went through the same thing before. 

“I actually took a shower today” she told me. I grinned. We both nodded and decided we had accomplished something. 

Who knew a week later, she’d have attempted suicide? 

Rough Couple of Nights 

Hey there, 

Yes hi 

No I’m not telling you things will get better 

Or that you just have to keep hoping 

Or shove positive and inspirational advice down your throat. 

I’m going to tell you to close your eyes for a little bit. I’m going to tell you that it’s okay. You feel like complete shit and you are allowed to. I’m going to tell you to breathe. To let yourself cry. I’m going to tell you that swimming in your sorrows seems way better than drowning in them at this point. Please don’t drown in them. You’re great. You’re wonderful. You’re allowed to feel shitty. And like garbage. Don’t curl your fist into a ball and dig your nails into your palms until it bleeds. No, because you deserve to curl up in your blanket and have the night to yourself. 

So hi, I’m not going to tell you that it gets better but I’m going to tell you a story about the boy who burned bridges that lead back to his home and about the girl who couldn’t call her home a home. I’ll tell you how some of us grit thorough the pain every single day. And I’ll end the night with telling you, that I love you but I won’t make you go through the pain of hearing yet another person make you feel unheard. No I won’t have that. 

Broken

You are angry. You are frustrated. You are hopeless. You are tired. You are exhausted.
You want to be loved and touched in a way that you could forget everything. You push away any chance there is to give your heart to someone. You are blue. You are red. You are heavy. You are light at the same time. You are poor. You are broken. You are alone. You are on the verge of giving up. You are drowning. You are empty. You are full. You are suicidal. You are too loud. You are too quiet. You are too ugly. You are sad. You are on a thin layer of paper that’s going to rip apart any second. You have the whole world’s weight on you. You are crying. You can’t breathe. You want to die. You don’t want to live. You don’t see the point of living. You are only surviving. 

Stop

Stop

Stop

Close your eyes. Breathe. Be easy on yourself. 

You are human 

It Would be Nice

Oh how it would be nice to not care about anything
Oh how it would be nice to not consider anyone’s feelings but your own
Oh how it would be nice to not think about someone’s else’s opinion
Oh how it would be nice to not be hurt after your heart breaks
Oh how it would be nice to not feel guilt after hurting someone
Oh how it would be nice to not feel shame for failing
Oh how it would be nice to not have to keep secrets from everyone
Oh how it would be nice to not care about anything
anything, anything at all but your own happiness

Are You Lying to Yourself or Am I?

Liar Liar 
Tell me something babe
How did you leave so fast?
How did you throw my heart on the floor?
And watched it break into small pieces?
Liar Liar
How do you act as if you’re fine?
Without me?
When I unconsciously check my phone
Because I’m used to you being the center of my world
Liar Liar
You told me you loved me
You told me not to change
But didn’t you?
Didn’t you say you weren’t going to give up?
Give up on us?
Liar Liar
Why are you letting me crash and burn?
I know you still love me
Don’t you?
You have to, right?
Or were you lying to me the whole time?
Liar Liar
Or are you lying to yourself?
Are you trying to watch me break
And see if you’re affected?
Or are you in denial
Because fuck you
You still love me
Liar Liar
You’re going to miss me
When no one’s asking how your day went
Or listening to you talk
You’re going to know
That you love me
Liar Liar
But maybe I’ll be gone by then
No one else can love you as much as I did
That’s fine
Because I’ll find someone that’ll love me
More than you did
Liar Liar
I miss you
I love you
God, I’m fighting with myself more than I am with you
You say your feelings are gone
But then again, you’re an amazing liar, right?
Don’t come back, please
Liar Liar 

Daddy Daddy

Dear Father,

You’re not a good man. You’ve hurt us and mother so many damn times, I’ve lost count. So has mother. But I understand where this need to destroy every relationship you have comes from. You were abused as a child. You were told you’re not enough. You were told you were a failure multiple times just because you weren’t getting good grades like your siblings. You were told by your father that you will never be successful. So you believed it. You believed it and destroyed that little bit of happiness you could have achieved. You married an extraordinary woman and kept her trapped, because you knew she’d be the only one who could make your life slightly better. So you tortured her and made her think she could never leave. You taught your kids the same why your father taught you and made them feel like nothing. It scares me to think how much you’ll never tell anyone. It scares me to think that you’ll take all these emotions and inner secrets to the grave and have no one by your side. So I love you, I keep doing so because I can’t forget the times where you set all of your bad parts aside and let yourself be genuine. I can’t forget the time when I was in the hospital, on the verge of death and you were sitting there watching me. You held me while I cried and tolerated it when I squeezed your hands so much that I left marks when I was in pain. You told me I’ll be fine and that you’ll never leave. You didn’t ask why I was crying because maybe you knew I had wanted to die but I wasn’t able to because I was meant to be saved by a bunch of blood transfusions. But you told me that you’re there and let me cry. You’re not a good person and god forbid I fall in love with someone like you. But I understand why you’re a horrible person and I know even when you’re drunk at a bar wishing things were different twenty years form now I’ll be there to take you back home. 

Sincerely,

Your daughter