My Prayers Used to Be About How Thankful I Was For The Life I Was Given

God,
Save me from this mess. Show me some light. I don’t want to be here and have the only thing that I see to be darkness. I want to break free and run away. I want to soar high and feel the adrenaline of happiness seep into my bones. I want to be able to smile without losing all my energy. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I keep hurting people. I love them all but they don’t understand. Save me from all this and let me be free. I don’t want to be here anymore. But I don’t know how to leave either.

I Want To Fade Away

I want to be thin as paper. Light as a feather. I want to be enough. I’m not beautiful. I’m not stunning. My body is disgusting. My stomach bulges out and my arms are thick. Today I almost fell in the bathtub from the lack of food in my body and this part of me said “finally, we’re going back to our old ways; the good days”. My world is dark again and all I want is to take up less space. They say this is a disease. But how come I only feel my best when I let it take over me?

I Hate Blue

The hospital’s logo is in blue. The elevator that leads to the eating disorder clinic is all blue inside. It makes me cringe. As you go in the walls are a light blue and the hospital gown you have to change in is also blue. The scale is blue. The one where it shows you your weight and you realise how worthless and fat you are. The machine that checks your blood pressure is also blue. My therapist loves blue so her room is blue. The antidepressants are blue. The prom that I’m scared to go to; the theme of it is blue and white. I hate it.

My Older Sister and I Used to Hate Each other Until We Got Older

“I would have killed myself but it was you that brought me back and kept me alive so don’t you fucking dare leave me or I can’t survive then” she told me with tears in her eyes. I’ve only seen her cry a few times and it was by accident. But I never know she’d ever cry because of me. I didn’t think I was that important to her. That the reason why she got angry with me all the time was because she hated that she couldn’t help me. I was crying and telling her it was just better to end it all that I was exhausted that I kept relapsing. My mascara was dripping and I was wailing. She never really comforted me before usually she’d say something insensitive and go on with her day. But this time I heard her shaky voice telling me I can’t leave her. It felt infinite when we both giggled as we realised our make up was ruined and the car’s windows weren’t tinted. Things were okay for a second.

Growing Up: Exhaustion

“I don’t feel like existing today” she said out loud as she looked at herself in the mirror. She completely hated her presence in the world at that moment and it had been like that for years. She knew no one would ever fall in love with her and her friends only loved the person she showed them she was. They couldn’t handle the person that cut her wrists because she needed to feel pain or that purged because eating was a failure in disguise. She was exhausted and knew she wasn’t living; she was surviving. She felt deceived when people told her that things will get better because she had been at rock bottom for a long time. How many times was she going to relapse? She knew talking about her issues would get annoying at one point, so she stopped and acted like she was getting better. At that moment she wished someone would hold her and just listen. They’d convince her she was strong enough to get through this. She wished they’d take care of her because she was tired of trying to save herself.
“I don’t feel like existing today” she said again but she left her room afterwards and acted like she never thought those words the first thing in the morning.

Andrea

“Everything is beautiful in its own time” she told me while we laid on her bed looking up at the ceiling. I was crying because I hit rock bottom and she was listening to me and provided love like how a best friend should. It was what she told me that stayed with me throughout my worst and best moments. There will be days I look out the window and for a second, everything is still and the world is beaming and just as she had told me; everything is beautiful. There will be days all I see is darkness and all I want to feel is pain inflicted on myself but she’ll be there to hold my hand and tell me that she loves me. There will be days I want to give up and wither away until I’m nonexistent but she makes me want to exist and tells me I have a purpose and even though its for a moment I believe her. She doesn’t know how much she has helped me and how many times I have come to her with tears in my eyes and scars on my wrists. I’m scared for the day I will look back and she won’t be there to push me forward. Thanks babe for being my anchor. You’re wonderful and I hope we never leave each other. 

Growing Up: State of Mind

Father father
Don’t you understand? You tell me to sleep but if I could I would.
I’m overflown with ideas and ways to kill myself and then I spend the rest of the night wishing things were different.
Mother mother
Don’t you understand I hate myself already? I am worthless and I cannot take up the space I do. I’m a waste of a body and I wish I could give up and think differently but its embedded in my thoughts and in my DNA. I will always crave to starve and purge.
Sister sister
I’m sorry but I need freedom and understanding. You don’t need to act like a third parent. I need you to hold me and tell me things are going to be alright even though we both know they may not be okay.
My friends,
I love you and thank you for the support but I know at this point things might not get better. Maybe I really do need to give up my sword and shield. I’m weak and please don’t mistake me as strong.
To myself,
Maybe all you gotta do is say fuck it and leave?