No no no no I don’t matter. I’m not thin and pretty like her. Don’t give me that bullshit. She’s amazing and she’s golden. I’m not her. I’ll never be her. I won’t be the one that breaks his heart and makes him still want me. I won’t be the one that he talks about to his friends. I’m not the one that he’ll wait to get a text from. Stop telling me it’s not true with your pretty face and likeable attitude. It is true. I’m not beautiful. I’m not stunning. I’m reckless and don’t know who I am. So don’t you fucking dare lie to me and say I’m pretty. I’m not I’m not. I’m just a moment to them. I’m not beautiful I’m a nightmare.
Where’s Peter Pan? Tell him I need to go on a ride to Neverland. Tell him I need to runaway and be in a world where it’s all fun and games. Tell him I need someone to guide me and let me fly up in the air. I want to grow wings like Tinkerbell and play with magic. I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t want to lose more innocence than I already have. I want to be me in a place called Neverland.
Fuck it. I will fight. I will fight till I’m on my knees, bleeding out with a sword stabbed into my back. I will arise from the war and be stronger than I was before. I won’t need anyone’s hand to hold just people to look back to so they can reassure me that they’re there. I will hold a resilient sword and a shield that will bend but will never break. I’m not surrendering. No, I’m fighting and I will die fighting even if I don’t win.
I smile and laugh so no one has to worry. No one has to think of me as fragile with my loud and obnoxious nature. But inside I’m crumbling, I’m broken and worthless. I think before I speak and when I don’t I regret it. I regret a lot of things in fact. I regret telling my friends a few of my problems; I wish they didn’t know because really all of this is a burden on them even if they don’t think it is and it’s just it’s simpler to put on a facade. To act like I have no worries; that I’m resilient. I know I’m not strong and I know I won’t be able to survive. I’m cornered in a dark maze and if I were Alice in Wonderland I’d never want to go back to reality. In reality, I’m beside the toilet and I’m sticking my fingers down my throat to throw up for the umpteenth time. All I care about is self-destruction. I find ways to cut myself and then feel complete disgust towards myself. Really, why would you love me after all that? Why? You don’t see me for me. You don’t.
I want to leave. I really want to leave. I want to runaway forever. I want to fade away. Please catch me if you can.
It’s 4 am and I’m wondering about all types of things. I’m talking to my best friend, wondering how it’d feel to run away with her and find ourselves. I’m wondering about him and why he’s the way he is, hoping one day he comes and tells me he shouldn’t have been so mean to me. I’m wondering about my failed friendships and why I was never enough. I’m wondering about what would happen when I recover from all these illnesses. Will I be happy or will I just be empty? I’m wondering about who I hurt and thinking about how much pain I deserve. I’m wondering about how I cut myself today because I just wanted to feel okay again. I’m wondering and crying about the calories I ate. I shouldn’t have had all that good today. I’m wondering. Wondering about when I’ll find someone that will love me for me. I’m lost and I don’t know what it’s like to be found. It’s 4 am and I’m wondering. Wondering about everything and anything.
My heard hurts. My body is in pain. All I think about is when things will break down and I can fade away. Will they notice? Or will they think I’m getting better? Will they see the scars on my arms or will they ignore them and assume they’re old memories. Nothing has ever stopped me, but right now I feel like someone’s choking me. I couldn’t tell anyone that I was in the public bathroom of the university crying and digging my nails in my wrist until it bled. I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m tired. So fucking tired. And how many times has this been? I don’t like this at all. Hope is a motherfucking asshole.
Miss me miss me please miss me. Miss the way I always ran after you to make sure you’re okay. Miss the way I listened to you after dropping everything I was doing at the moment. Miss the way I respected you and always wanted you to be happy. Miss the way we used to sit together and laugh. Miss the way we spent nights talking and you calling me babe or princess.Miss that. Please miss that. Please oh please.
Because I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss seeing you. I miss you holding me. I miss you. I miss the way we used to talk. I miss the way I used to always look forward to you talking to me. I miss your smile. I miss the way you look up when you talk about your passion. I miss the twinkle in your eyes. I miss the warmth of your face and putting my cheeks against yours. I miss you. So please miss me too.