Mommy Mommy 

Mommy mommy 

You said you love me a lot and I’m your everything. Why? 

Mommy mommy 

Why does Daddy tell me I’m not enough? That you don’t love me?

Mommy mommy 

I love my brother but why don’t you look at me anymore? 

Mom mom 

Why don’t you like how I look? Why am I so fat and ugly like you say I am. 

Mom mom 

Dad is hurting me but you don’t do anything about it. Why? 

Mom mom

I started this new diet. Why haven’t you noticed? 

Mom mom 

I’m getting good grades like you’ve wanted. Why am I still not good enough? 

Mom mom 

Why is my older sister a better human being than me? Why don’t you ever tell me you love me for me? 

Mother mother 

Why didn’t you notice before that I wanted to kill myself? Why are you angry about it? 

Mother mother 

Why do you hate me? 

Mother mother

I love you but I can’t live for you anymore. You left me a long time ago and it’s time for me to stop fighting and fight for what I want. Why didn’t you ever want me to be happy? 

Things Might Not Get Better but You Have Many Things to Live For

I don’t know when things will be okay. Or if it will ever be okay. I don’t know if I can ever look around and smile to myself knowing that things are finally safe and sound. But what I do know is that you find yourself because of all the shit you go through. You realise that you have the world in the palm of your hands and you are powerful enough to fight.  You realise that the people that can’t handle seeing you fall apart and be there to put you back together aren’t people you should care about. You realise that you’re fucking strong. You realise you’re worth it. At one point you stop hurting yourself and you grit your teeth through all the pain and suffering. I don’t know if things will ever get better but what I do know is I’m better than the person I was before. And honestly if you can’t handle who I am now then I won’t be able to do anything about it. 

I Haven’t Told Them; But They’re the Reason I Didn’t Kill Myself Yet. 

Debra: She is spiritual and constantly there to give you hope and support. She won’t ever let you feel alone and she’ll be able to always hold your hand when it’s dark and you want to give up. She is your magic.

Saathana: She’s who you go to when you need to laugh. The person who has endless giggles to give and a warm smile to provide. She makes your stomach hurt from laughing and then makes sure you’re alright. She is your light.

Krisann: She’s goofy. She’s lighthearted. She makes you feel frivolous. She makes you realize things don’t need to be so serious. She lets you see that the weight of the world is not on you. She lets you fly. 

Johnnier: He’s an asshole 90% of the time. But he notices and remembers everything. When you’re falling apart and he carelessly mentions something you said a month ago that you thought was irrelevant you smile to yourself and realise he’s watching and you’re safe. He’s like a lighthouse. 

Jc: He’s always smiling and making jokes. He holds you up when you fall and yells at you when you’re feeling shitty. He’s constantly talking and when he’s not he’s listening in his own way. He makes you feel okay for that while you’re with him. He protects you. 

Lima: I wrote about her on this website a lot but never gave out a name. She genuinely makes you smile. She’s quiet but listens and takes everything to heart. She is your anchor and will keep you grounded. She will pull you back from going to the murky waters and drowning. She holds you down.

Aastha: She makes you feel valid. She reminds you that you’re only human. She gets angry with you and she cries with you. She also makes sure to laugh with you. She takes all your shit. She’s your map. She lets you get lost but helps you get out of the maze. She guides you. 

Growing Up: Invincible 

There was a time where I wanted my bones to stick out and me to fade away. There was a time where the only consolation was cutting my wrists until blood stained the blades and I was left with immortal scars. There was a time I wanted to be as beautiful as my best friend, where I saw her as a trigger rather than someone to keep in my life. There was a time where I put people before me and my happiness didn’t matter. There was a time where I pushed everyone away and only let them see an illusion of me, the me that didn’t have problems; the me that was strong. There was a time I wished a bus would run me over or someone to shoot me. There was a time I didn’t care about surviving. And right now things aren’t okay. I’ve hit my rock bottom but I’m fucking invincible. One day I’ll arise from slogging in the mud and smirk at the sun because I’ve made it. 

Something To Think About 

“You just watch everything get out of control and the only way you can do anything about is by harming yourself. You don’t know why it helps but it does” she said. I looked up from fiddling with my hands and looked at her in shock. We were all silent and all you could hear was everyone breathing. The instructor looked impressed and nodded. “And when you start recovering you have a void to fill” the instructor continued and she nodded. My hands started shaking and I felt tired all of a sudden. It was true. Unless you were in this world we created where we felt undeserving of happiness and desire and just wanted to give in to our voices and live in isolation, it wasn’t something you could understand. So we all sat there in group support and nodded. Some of us covering ourselves. Some of us looking out the window. And some of us wishing we had a way out. That night I felt sick. That night I realized I was an epitome of self destruction but I wasn’t the only one. 

I’m Not Bashing on Men I’m Just Telling You Why I Feel Like I’ll End Up Alone 

Boys never said I was pretty until I lost weight. Until all I could think about was how I wasn’t doing enough to be skinny. Until I couldn’t sit or stand without feeling dizzy. Until I felt weak and tired all the fucking time. No, they never said the nice things they say now. They never saw me as someone to be interested in until now. That’s when I realized how shitty a lot of people are. Yes they tell me things like I’m pretty and quirky and stupid shit like that. But they wouldn’t hold my hair back while I throw up or watch me cry because I ate too many calories for a second. That’s when I realized how worthless his compliments are and how shallow he is. I am not pretty, I do not have a nice body. I am just me. This is why I can’t trust a boy when he tells me things most people would love to hear, because he wouldn’t say them to me if I was fatter. Because he wouldn’t have wanted to love me then. So I just smile when I hear them say things but inside I could care less. 

The only voice that I care about is the one that tells me I’m not enough. 

Babe, You’re Trying. 

Breathe. Breathe. In and out. Breathe. I’m not sure if it will be okay but I know it will be a new start tomorrow. You are enough and there has never been a day you weren’t. It’s their fault. Their fault they couldn’t make you feel like the princess you are. Family who don’t see your potential are just blind. Friends who don’t value you even though you’re there for him until the bitter end, are just a waste of your time. You’re enough. You don’t need to fix yourself. You don’t need to blame yourself. You’re fucked up and flawed but you’re human and you’re trying. That’s all you need to be. Breathe. Breathe. Put the blade down. Step away from them toilet. Breathe. Pause from marking your fat with a marker. And close your eyes. You are enough and tomorrow is a new day.