I call her Skinny. She counts my calories for me and urges me to work out while I’m hungry. She tells me, she’d rather die than look like me. She always warns me that no one will ever love me fully because of how I look. She convinces me sometimes that I should go back to throwing up three times a day and only then I will be happy. I don’t know how Skinny and I became friends. Its just one day I started depending on her more than anything. She knew best and made sure I followed her every command. I pushed everyone away when she became a huge part of my life because I thought only she’d understand what I was going through. Her personality was made from all the comments and insults I got from my body. She used to tell me that my best friends pitied me because of how worthless I was. I believed it. God knows why I did, because they’ve been nothing but supportive. I call her Skinny and I don’t want to let her go just yet. She’s become addicting to be around. She’s become the ultimate voice in my head.
We smile during the day and act like we have everything together. But at night we fight endless battles and become strong warriors. You might not recognise us when we’re behind our closed doors during the dark hours. Things are different then. Are you willing to hold me while my breath smells like vomit and cry about how pathetic I am? I’m assuming no. We are soldiers; defending ourselves simply from ourselves. So we apologise that we don’t let you see us for the way we truly are. We’ve been used to people walking away when we get close to them. I’ve become familiar to the feeling of not letting anyone know about the demons that surround me every day. We smile when its appropriate and wait until we can’t contain our feelings anymore.
We are just trying to cope. Please be okay with that and promise to handle us at our worst.
I wake up.
You know you’re not needed, so why survive another day?
I get ready and choose my outfit.
You’ll look pretty fat and ugly in anything so why try?
I walk to school.
You might as well not go to school and just get run over a bus
I come in and see people I know.
They pity you. Have you seen how ugly you are compared to them.
I smile and laugh.
You have the worst laugh and your smile is disgusting.
I look at the bathroom mirror.
You need to lose a lot of weight. Your friends think you’re garbage.
I try to focus in class, ignoring my hunger.
You don’t deserve anything to eat. You’re a waste of space.
I try to talk about it. The voice in me telling me I’m not good enough.
They pity you, you know? You sound like an attention seeking whore.
I walk home.
Oh you better go home and work out.
I work out.
No matter how much work you put in your body, you’ll always be ugly. Fuck, you’re not even getting skinnier.
I eat dinner.
You could have starved the whole day but you weakened now? Remember to throw that up.
I go to bed and that’s when I let myself cry.
It’s been another day. Maybe tomorrow could be better.
I laugh at that thought and sigh. Maybe it might be.
Someone told me that I should stop with the whole “I’m an independent woman” act if I wanted a boyfriend. To be completely honest I wanted to slap them. I’m not saying this to go against men. But we have this idea that men in general are immature and can’t understand things. (Also why does everyone automatically assume I’m attracted to guys because I’m a girl?). When in reality they can and shouldn’t be underestimated. I am not going to keep the fact that I want to grow up and not have to depend on not only my partner but my family and friends. I want to stand on my own feet. And if that makes people uncomfortable then that’s okay with me. I’ve dealt with many things in my life and in my opinion I don’t want to have to be saved by someone else because no one will understand my pain as much as I do. So yes, I won’t hide the fact that I want to be independent and have my own job and be my own person just because it can be a turn off for guys out there. I’m pretty certain men can handle the fact that their partner wants to make something of themselves. If they can’t then to be completely honest I don’t really care and you shouldn’t either. Yes, I want to fall in love but at the same time I don’t want to hide my ambitions either.
“I think when people look at you its not because they think you’re ugly, its because they think you’re pretty or something about you caught their eye. Because when we look at people we don’t notice the ones that are having a bad day and just don’t care about their looks but we notice the ones that are beautiful. So I think he looked at you because you’re pretty not because there’s something wrong with you”
This was something my friend said about a week or two ago as we were walking home and I complained about how there were people that kept looking at me on the way home. Its not like she hasn’t called me pretty before and I mean most times I don’t believe her. Its kind of because she’s stunning and when you think someone is way better than you and they compliment you, you feel like its either pity or they’re just being nice. But something about what she said caught me off guard. Its true, we don’t necessarily look at people because we think they appear “ugly” (unless you’re really mean and think there’s a standard to being pretty) but we look at them because they simply caught our eye and we usually keep staring if we think they’re beautiful. So to the people that look away when someone’s looking at them or freak out inside, trust me its not what you think it is. When they look at you, just smile back. And tell yourself (I know this is easier said than done) that its not because there’s something wrong with you.
Dear The Person I Was When I Was 2 Years Old,
You’re precious. I hope you know that. You’re reckless. You’re loud. You’re quiet and naive sometimes as well. You’re clumsy. You’re awkward and embarrassing. You’re clingy but you also like distance. You never truly understand yourself and at one point you’ll give up trying. A lot of people will tell you that you aren’t good enough. Including your parents. They will tell you that you’re ugly. Your dad will make snide remarks of the food you eat. Your mom won’t give you breakfast sometimes. You’ll be tempted to hate yourself. The people at school they’ll tell you constantly that you are ugly and you won’t ever be loved. Your mother will tell you that you won’t have anyone to love you if you don’t lose weight. You will hate that you don’t have a flat stomach like your friends. I want you to know something; it doesn’t matter. You deserve the world.
The Person You Ended Up Becoming 15 years later.
(P.S, there will be a few boys that will break your heart and that’s okay)
She looked at herself in the mirror and saw a girl with dark circles around her eyes and her acne scars obvious on her cheeks. Her breath smelled like the vomit she had just puked in the toilet. She felt her throat being sore. It was like meeting an old friend. The aftertaste was fulfilling in a way but she felt lonely as well. She felt weak and she just wanted someone to take her away. But she knew she needed to do it herself. But the thing was she didn’t know if this was going to end. Her hating herself and her appearance so much she slowly killed herself seemed like it was a permanent thing. It wasn’t going to go away. After she washed her face and went to her bed her phone blinked. She checked it and it was her friend saying good night and saying that she loved her so much that she couldn’t ever leave her. Suddenly her demons quieted down for a bit and she fell asleep.