There are so many success stories, where’s mine?

Before Diagnosis

You’re lost in a whole different world.
You and your demons are one.
There’s a need for secrecy.
A craving for control.

Diagnosis

You are angry.
You feel weak.
You feel as if you have fallen.
You feel as if you are losing.
You wish to end everything.
You are tired.
There’s a need for control.
A craving for secrecy.

Recovery

You feel odd.
You feel like you’re supposed to be happy.
Sometimes you really are.
You feel like you’re getting up.
You feel like things are changing.
You are disengaging with your demons.
But you feel guilt.
There’s a small need for control
There’s a small craving for secrecy.

Relapse

You feel as if you’re spiraling down.
You are in pain.
Your demons are laughing at you.
You don’t feel like a winner.
But for a second you do feel better.
You have fallen and you don’t know whether to stay.
There’s a need for secrecy.
A craving for control.

Recovery
Relapse
Recovery
Relapse
Relapse
Relapse

Recovery

Relapse

Why Do I Keep Loving People? God, Why Can’t I Stop Being so Fucking Sensitive? 

They tell me to let go of the voices that scream in my head, the demons that hold on to me and the darkness that stays with me. 

“But then where do I go?” I ask them. They say, “don’t worry we’re here for you now”. I wonder, do they not understand that I can’t trust that claim? 

I try to take my walls down and step out of my dark comforts. I flutter my wings a bit, hoping the rips in them will make people know I can’t afford to get hurt again. I smile and I love as much as I can. I hope and hope. 

But then, somehow the rips on my wings get larger. My demons laugh and say, “hah you believed those people, look what they have done. They left you alone again. They never put you first. You love too much. This is your fault”. 

I hide my wings and paint on a smile. My wings are in pain, I can feel it. I tell them, “thank you for being there, I love you”. But they do not have a clue, that I’m back with my demons every night. 

You can’t expect me to depend on people, when all everyone’s done is push me aside. When you act just like everyone else. 

To You and My Friends,

I loved and loved and loved
You ignored and ignored and ignored
I still loved and loved and loved
You pushed and kicked and stepped on me
I broke and broke and broke
You kept walking away and away and away
I healed and healed and healed
You faked it and apologized and apologized and apologized
I loved and loved and loved again

Maybe that’s where I went wrong

-Almeda A.

You’re the Princess

As the princess lay in her bed, someone snuck into her room.
It was her prince, Dark Thoughts. He sat beside her and smirked.
She tried to look right at him but couldn’t. He would always be the winner.
“You aren’t special, sweetheart.” He said loudly.
The princess pursed her lips and tried to ignore him.
“You’re a failure, you are lonely and ugly” he continued.
She tried to push him off the bed, but he dodged it and shook his head.
“No one can save you, now. You’re worthless” he stated. She surrendered and lay in her bed.
He laughed and kept laughing until she cried to sleep. When he thought his job was done and left the room, someone else snuck in. She tried to act like she was asleep.
“Hey” the person whispered.
“I hope you can hear me, but I want you to know you survived it again, his wrath. Don’t worry one day you will be able to beat him at his game but until then remember he’s not winning because every night you are still breathing even after he comes in.”
The princess opened her eyes and turned to see who the person was.
The person was already walking out of the room and the princess was hit with a feeling of sleepingess.
“Who are you?” she asked before she fell into her slumber.
Before the princess knocked out, she heard the person say,
“Hope”

L O V E

When we were children we learned to love and respect our parents, our friends and anyone else that made us remotely happy. We learned about giving rather than receiving. We learned about romance. We went from princesses and princes overlooking our kingdom to damsels in distress waiting for our knight in shining armor. They taught us to wait for that one person to love us, and until then our life is not complete. But what they should have taught us, is that we should love ourselves first. That we should take care of our wings that let us fly instead of admiring someone else’s wings. If we are red, we should start loving the color red before loving the color blue. Sweetheart, look at yourself and realise that you’ve survived hell. You are your own fucking anchor. You have your own damn sword and shield. So please, love yourself. During the darkest hour of night time, you will only have yourself, not him or her or whoever, just yourself. So give yourself some love, you deserve it for sticking through the shitty times and celebrating the good.

Sorry it’s 3 am and I’m crying like a maniac. 

“It’s really fucking shit. You wouldn’t understand. Everyone tells me to recover but what the fuck do I do after? This stays with me through everything. People don’t. Everyone’s always leaving. Always picking someone else over me. I’m never enough. That’s why I changed and stopped relying on anyone and tried to make myself a better version yet it still wasn’t enough. But this, this relieves me. It makes me not dependent on anyone. Just dependent on this. It fills a void. It makes me less insecure. Yes I want to get rid of it, I really fucking do. But what do I do after I recover from my eating disorder and stop cutting? What the hell do I do? It was once my haven and now everyone’s telling me it’s my enemy.” 

My therapist looked at me and said, 

“That’s the most you told me after seeing me for a year and a half. It’s a good start” 

S T O R M

She cried and yelled

“I’m an ugly storm.
I am not one of those girls they write poems about
I am just a moment.

I will fucking ruin everything
I will leave afterward
I will not think of the aftermath

But I wasn’t a storm before
I was a summer breeze
I was a wish
I was a craving
I was a favorite memory

But then they said summer was too overbearing
So I tried really hard to be enough
To be wished for
To be loved

I loved
I loved
And I loved
I tried to change

But as I ripped my softness away
I started becoming colder
I started becoming a winter wind
And soon an ugly storm

They decided after wanting me to change
They didn’t like it
So they left
Yet, I still loved.
But that love became loneliness

I’m an ugly storm.
I will create a mess
I will destroy anything that’s in my path”

I told her,
“But seasons change, darling.
Soon summer will come again.
But you won’t be a breeze this time.
You will be a light drizzling rain
People will dance and kiss in your weather
You will spread love and at the same time,
you won’t do it for anyone but yourself.
After hurting we can’t go back to how we were before
We become resilient and something new, brighter than before”

It stopped snowing that night.