My mind is a blur. My world is a mess. I answer all questions with an “I Don’t Know”. I don’t know why I’m crying at 7 am in the morning. I don’t know why I want to avoid everyone. I don’t know why I’m not daddy’s little girl anymore. I don’t know why the guy I like is being so cold towards me. I don’t know why I just want to bury myself in a hole. I don’t know why I kept hiding my problems until it was too much to handle. I don’t know why things changed so fast. I feel like the girl I was a year ago. Scared and stupid. But all I’m hoping for is, that I’ll be alright. That things will work out and I’ll be fine. Yes I’m tempted to end my life because everything sucks and I feel so worthless. But maybe just maybe things will get better. I’m hopelessly hoping and sometimes that’s all you can do.
Sometimes when your world is falling a part you can’t seem to see the blue sky and hear the chirping birds. Sometimes it feels so unfair that life is going on while you’re standing there watching your haven burn. A moment ago you were fine. You were okay. Things were calm and your world was working. But then all of a sudden, everything you once believed would work out looks impossible to continue. Maybe the person you love broke up with you, maybe you disappointed someone, maybe you lost something important. But all in all, you feel like shit. And you hate it. You hate it so much. You feel weak. You feel useless. But here’s the thing darling, sometimes all you can do when your world falls apart and breaks into pieces is just to watch. All you can do is stand there and cry. And then you wait until the war quiets down. You wait. You wait. You wait. Time heals pain. After you can pick up the shards of everything you’ve loved and believed in, and glue it back together. After you glue everything back together, things will be distorted and will never be the same. And it’ll keep happening until your perspective becomes unrecognizable. But the weird part is, it’ll be okay. Life will go on and birds will keep chirping. The people beside you will keep playing the classical music that annoys you every night. And you’ll be alright. I promise.
My dreams are mine. Your dreams and plans are yours. That’s the scary thing about your future, its in your hands. It is not in your parents’ hands and you will not let them take it away from you. It is only you that is allowed to choose your path. It is only you that is able to screw things up that regards your future. It is only you that can change your mind about your future. If you want to be a journalist while your parents insist on you being a doctor, they can become doctors themselves because you are going to become the best journalist in your city and maybe the country. You are the master. You are the person who decides their fate. Don’t let anyone ever take that away from you. You control your choices even if the consequences are uncontrollable. Cause darling you can die for those you love but you cannot live your life for them, you live it for yourself. You have every right to.
I cannot come home before sunset simply because I should be a proper girl.
My brother shouldn’t get in trouble by his teacher if he wants to wear lipstick to school.
The coach shouldn’t favor the boy’s basketball team over the girl’s team by giving them more practice time and advice.
My friend shouldn’t be judged for not asking out the girl he likes first.
The girl that sits beside me shouldn’t think twice before calling another girl pretty because they might think she’s in love with them.
The cute guy shouldn’t lose a bunch of friends that are female simply because he’s gay.
My friend shouldn’t be forced to clean the house while her brothers sit on their ass and do nothing to contribute to helping with daily life.
My neighbor’s boyfriend shouldn’t be expected to always pay for everything just because he’s a guy.
The teacher shouldn’t care what her student’s sexual orientation is.
My mom shouldn’t tell me that in order to be a good wife I have to be quiet and know how to cook.
The boy that lives two floors above me, shouldn’t act like an asshole so no one calls him a “pansy”.
The parents behind me in the bus shouldn’t tell their son things like “get a girlfriend”, he’s only 4 years old and chances are he might not be straight, and creating standards at such a young age will make him feel ashamed for being gay.
The man in the news shouldn’t be forgiven for raping a guy. No matter who you rape, rape is not right in any way.
Calling someone gay or a girl shouldn’t be an insult.
The boy that passes by my locker everyday shouldn’t be high fived for cheating on his girlfriend.
The girl that got rejected by her crush, shouldn’t be called “clingy” when she still goes for them.
I cannot be passive when my dad says that there are only a few things I can be in life because I’m a girl.
I cannot be passive when I see inequality everywhere.
Being a different gender shouldn’t make you have undesirable standards. Having a different sexual orientation shouldn’t make you feel insecure.
When society gives you such stupid expectations to succeed, point up your middle finger and say, “fuck it”. Because life’s too short to care about what society thinks of you.
Yes, we were angry at the world. We were angry because every time we screwed up it was all our fault. We were angry that all of our questions were unanswered. We thought everything was against us. We thought the universe wanted us to be miserable and pathetic. But what we didn’t know was, that the world could care less about us. That we are very insignificant, and blaming the world for our problems wasn’t going to solve anything. We were dumb, hurt and pissed off. But at what? who? We didn’t know, so we just told the world to fuck off and leave us alone. But the thing is, doing that doesn’t effect anything. It doesn’t solve our problems and it certainly doesn’t offend the universe. Two years ago, it was us against the world, but I’ve grown up to see it’s us facing the world together. We aren’t going anywhere by being angry and annoyed with the way the world sways. You know you’ve matured when you aren’t angry at the world anymore, you’re just coexisting within it.
I am not an expert at how life works. No one is. Not even the old lady across the street who has lived longer than anyone in your neighborhood is an expert at how life works. No one can predict the changes and the outcomes of the shit we do. Which is why its perfectly fine to make mistakes and screw the fuck up. Tomorrow is another day to make better mistakes. So don’t beat yourself up over failing a test, or losing a friend. You can cry about it, but don’t think you’re a horribe worthless person because of it. You’re not perfect, neither is anyone else. No one can blame you if you shut out the world and just say “fuck it”. You’re you and every time you make a mistake don’t feel like shit because you’re no expert at how life works, no one is and that’s the beauty of your mistake.
I’m a piece of shit when it comes to liking you. I apologize if I seem clingy and stupid. I just really like you, y’know? I love listening to you and how your life is, because I know you don’t like talking about yourself that much and you trust me enough that you do it with me. I love it when you purposely walk slowly and look at me so I can catch up to you. I love it when you get annoyed of me always getting angry at you but yet you still talk to me. Or when you say “Fine I won’t talk to you ever again” and five minutes later you speak to me. I love it when you’re wearing headphones so no one bothers you, but half the time you’re not listening to music you’re listening to other people without them knowing (which is kinda weird and I don’t get why you do it but still). I love it when we high five because of the lamest things like making up deep quotes from the top of our heads. I love it when you do the most unexpected things like how I sat beside you during lunch and when your friends asked if you were going to go inside and you said, “I think I’m going to sit here for a bit longer”. I love it when you lecture me for being late to class or when I get sad over marks like 70’s, seeing your serious face makes me giddy. I love it when you say things that mean so much to me but you don’t even know it. I hate how you make me feel like this so much. I hate how things you do effect me. I thought I was fine not liking anyone and not letting people hurt me. But damn it you make it so hard. I like you. I like you. I like you. And I hate that I love every second of liking you.
The girl who calls you a perv